I’ll take my gratification delayed, please

January is restless. Waiting for spring, waiting for a break, waiting for something new. With the cozy celebrations of Christmas gone, the grip of winter now feels tight and unrelenting. I wake up and fall asleep to the same tink-tink-tonk of rain hitting the gutters. January is when the ever-grey Vancouver sky begins to permeate right into me.

But if I’m totally honest, this January might be different. I’ve realized that for possibly the first time in my life I’m not going to sleep anticipating the next big thing.

John and I met young and spent a long time being patient. Studying, growing up, saving money, laying the groundwork for our own lives, and possibly for our life together (we were never ones to jinx a good thing with assumptions).

In the last couple of years we finally stopped preparing and started running. We started careers, bought our own place, got married, and got a dog. Children are not in our near future, nor do we anticipate any major career changes or moves, so we are now officially what you’d call settled.

I spent so long waiting and anticipating that I got really comfortable there. I knew the chairs with the best view and where to find good coffee when I got a little ancy. I haven’t found that kind of comfortable familiarity in this new place yet. The parts of my brain previously devoted to anticipating are wandering around restless, not sure what to do with themselves here.

So perhaps I shouldn’t blame January. I am restless.

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Posted on January 25, 2011, in Life. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. No way, feel free to blame January. Everybody else does.

    Do you find it funny that being settled still doesn’t feel comfortable yet? Not funny ha-ha, of course. Just a twinge of irony. A resting state should feel the best, yes? As long as it doesn’t turn into stagnation. I think that’s a real core worry of mine, stagnation. It kind of eats at you. “So this is it, then? We’re just going to keep on getting up and going to work and coming home and walking the dog? Today and tomorrow and the next, all the way straight to the furthest horizon? Huh.” No wonder you feel antsy… It’s like Groundhog Day all over again.

    Ugh. I totally get the feeling. Makes you pin your hopes on February, eh?

    • Yeah you’d think so eh? But we spend so long striving for the next thing that when you’re done with the big stuff (for now), you do feel weirdly stagnant. It’s like stopping after being in a fast moving car for a long time and your senses need to readjust to being still.

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